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(no subject) [Jul. 23rd, 2011|10:09 pm]
I feel like whatever I do is wrong. That somebody could do the worst thing to me and if I share my opinions on how I feel about them I am in the wrong. It's like if I get mad and lash out at somebody I'm the one who would be in the wrong. And that is generally what keeps me from lashing out, but I don't think thats good. I need to get stuff off my chest. But when I do get stuff off my chest I end up feeling like I am in the wrong and need to apologize to said person(even when there is absolutely no need for apologies) Maybe it goes back to my constant need to make sure everyone is ok and happy without making sure I am happy. I dunno.It sucks.
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(no subject) [Jun. 13th, 2011|02:53 pm]
[mood |depresseddepressed]

I'm married! Woo! The wedding was amazing and the honeymoon was amazing as well. I don't remember too much from the wedding, lol. I was in such a daze! It was wonderful seeing all my friends and family(even if I hardly got to talk to them) I don't remember anything that was said during the ceremony, all I could pay attention to was Manny. We took a cruise to Mexico for the honeymoon. That was awesome! We both needed it. I wish we could have stayed on that ship forever...

The first week of marriage has been rough. Not in the sense that being married to Manny is rough, but that we've had to deal with a lot of bullshit. I've had a few childish immature women make that week hell.

The company I work for has decided to not continue working with my client because her mom is a psycho bitch. The problem is they have to continue working with her til the end of the month. Well pyscho bitch mom has decided to do a bunch of shit to me to get back at my company, and my company is allowing her to do so. I just have to take it. And it kills me. And it makes me feel horrible.

On the note of making me feel horrible, 2 other women have managed to do so too. Apparently the night before the wedding Manny and his bridal party went to a graduation party(which I told Manny I didn't want him to go to it, but they went anyway)Anyways, Nessa and Monica(Kurt's sister) decided to sit down with Manny and tell him that he was making a mistake by marrying me, that he was settling with me, that I'm not good enough for him, that he could do better, that I was going to drag him down etc...
This hurts me to my core. Every time I think about this I get sick to my stomach. I was able to not think about it during the honeymoon, but now that we are back to our regular lives, I can't seem to shake it. For those that know me, you know that I've suffered from severe depression, and horrible self-esteem issues. I've always cared too much about what people think of me. I do everything I can to make everybody like me, and when I find out that somebody doesn't think I am a good person, it cuts me. I've spent years trying to get out of that dark place and when I finally feel like I've made it out, I now feel like I'm falling back in. I HATE that I am allowing 2 stupid bitches to affect me this much, but I care too much about how people feel about me. This is supposed to be the happiest time in my life, and I am so happy to be married to Manuel, but all I want to do is crawl in the corner and cry. I hate this feeling. I hate it.
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(no subject) [Apr. 30th, 2011|03:13 pm]
[mood |happyhappy]

30 days!!! Well, now 29! I can't wait! Next weekend is my bachelorette party. I have no idea, or where we going, but boy am I excited! Whatever we do is going to be great!
Now is when all the finals details need to be done. We have almost everything done. Just got the final meeting with our reverend, deciding the playlist, final fitting for my dress, and all the small details.
The first fitting was a fiasco! Firstly they insisted I didn't have an appt, which I know was bs. then the alterations lady didn't speak english, so I had no idea what she was saying, and I didn't have the right size bra/corset... So I'm praying that the final fitting goes ok. Everyone cross your fingers for me!

Among the horrible first fitting, we have had a few hiccups along the way, mainly with the venue, Chaminade. There is going to be another wedding at Chaminade on the same day, and at the same time! We have insisted that our wedding goes first, and they can go after we're finished, so we shall see. Either way, I probably won't have any idea, nor at that point will I even care. I am sure everything will turn out great though!

I am so excited for it! I can't wait for the moment where I walk down the aisle and see Manuel. I can't wait for when I can call my self Mrs. Laura Carol Sousa. It's getting closer and closer, and I'm giddy with anticipation!

I also can't wait for our honeymoon! A cruise to Mexico! I am so looking forward to just sitting by the pool, with a good book, and my husband by my side. Oh and Pina Coladas!!
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(no subject) [Apr. 11th, 2011|05:52 pm]
[mood |angryangry]

So amazed at the nerve of people. If you're not invited to the wedding, you're not invited!!! None of this "I'm not going to come because you didn't invited my 7 other siblings." Or "I'm not coming because you didn't invite my grown ass son who you don't even know." That's bullshit. We can only invite 100 people, so needless to say we just can't invite everyone! We unfortunately have to pick and choose who we are going to invite, and of course we are going to invite the family members and friends that we are closest too. So if you aren't invited, grow the fuck up and quit complaining! If we invited all of Manny's family the total guest count would be over 300, and well each person is $125 so that would be $37,500 just for the guests!! That doesn't even include the decorations, dress, photographer, dj etc... And do you think it's fair that my parents should have to pay that much just so you can be invited??? I don't fucking think so!

--That is what I would like to say to some of Manny's family!

Also fuck this "I'm going to invite other people to come and not even ask Manny or Laura if it's ok" crap. If their name is not on the invitation, they ARE NOT INVITED!!!
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(no subject) [Feb. 11th, 2011|04:15 pm]
[mood |blahblah]

I love working with my clients. I like my co-workers. I HATE my immediate supervisor!!! She is a rude bitch, who makes a ton of mistakes but then blames it on everyone else. She has no communication skills, she's scatterbrained and forgets everything, she has no boundaries, and she is rude. She calls me at all hours of the day, and on my days off. In fact just last week she called and woke me up at MIDNIGHT!!! Midnight!! She's texted me at 7AM at noon, and at midnight! She has no respect for other people. A few weeks ago, I looked on my schedule and it said that I was supposed to take my client to another clients house. I had no information about any of the details so I asked her. And instead of telling me, she told me to ask a co-worker, so I contacted the co-worker and she said she wasn't involved and had no idea. So I asked another co-worker and she never responded. So I asked my clients mom and she said she didn't know either. So I called my supervisor and she yelled at me saying I should have known this stuff, that I have horrible communication skills, that I should had figured it out already etc... I finally figured out that there were 3 people who set up this meeting. 1. My client(who doesn't speak) 2. The other client(who I don't see) and 3. My supervisor!! So the only person that could have told me what was going on was my supervisor but she refused to tell me anything, and that got mad when I didn't know anything, and told ME that I have bad communication skills!!! It's shit like that that she always does. And I really can't stand it, and I don't know how much more I can take. This job would be awesome if it wasn't for her, and if I was paid more than $10.50/hr

Other than that bullshit, a bunch of other not so great things have happened.

The other day I got bit by a spider and had a really bad allergic reaction to it.

I think am starting to get a cold.

My friends were supposed to come down this weekend, but can't because of money issues. Which I totally understand, I am not mad, just sad.

Some people promised me and Manny that they would pay for our honeymoon as our wedding present. So we picked out our dream honeymoon(a Caribbean cruise), told the people, they said ok they'd book it. Time went by, it still wasn't booked, we kept asking about it, and they said they'd do it soon, more time went by, and then just the other day, they told us they were no longer going to pay for it, and that they had known this for months but didn't want to tell us. Well since they waited so long to tell us our dream cruise got sold out. And since we didn't make any other arrangements to save/get money(because we were promised this) we now don't really have the money for a honeymoon. =(

My Dad had his 1 year CT scan yesterday and we are awaiting the results, so we are pretty stressed about that.

When I broke my knee last year, I had a $1660 bill for it. Since I didn't have insurance I signed up for their charity program(for poor people like me), which eliminates me having to pay the full bill, just a co-pay. So I thought great I'm in this program now. Nope. Turns out it never went through and my bill is about to be sent to collections. So I've spent an hour today on the phone trying to fix things. The lady I talked to said she will try and make sure she can rescind the bill before it goes to collections, and then try and sign me up for the program again. Just another headache and thing to stress over...

On to good things.

I love Manuel. He is my rock. He's the only thing keeping me sane(although sometimes me makes me crazy, lol) I can't wait for May 29. I can't wait to be Mrs. Laura Sousa.
He's had a cold for the last few days and it's been so hard to not hug and kiss him!!

We have a new roommate. His name is Puck and he is black and white and soft and cuddly! He is the sweetest lil kitty. I LOVE having him here.

The wedding planning is going good. On Feb 20 we are going to a tasting at Chaminade so we are both pretty excited about that. Nicole, Brooke and Laurie all recently got their dresses, as did my mom so that's one thing done! Now it's just all the little tiny details to stress over...

This post is way too long. Sorry.
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(no subject) [Jan. 1st, 2011|09:20 pm]
Hello 2011. I hope you are a good year. I have a feeling you will be.
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(no subject) [Sep. 21st, 2010|09:31 pm]
So today I got bit by a spider. That pretty much sums up my last few months. =(

I broke my knee 2 1/2 weeks ago. Kind of puts a strain on finding a job as an EMT. Although it's not like that is going anywhere...

Obviously still haven't found a job. Every single day I send my resume to at least 6 different places, and I haven't heard a word back. I don't know what else to do. I can't afford to pay this rent.

And even though I am burning through my savings, our cars don't care. The escort decided to break, and cost $1250 in repairs. And if that wasn't enough strain on our very thing pocketbooks, the Subaru's engine lite went on 6 days after fixing the Escort. AND IF THAT WASNT ENOUGH, the Subaru again, just a few weeks later, decided to have a transmission problem, that according to a transmission specialist is going to cost $4000!!! to repair! 4000 fucking dollars!!! That right there is my entire life savings!!!

I really don't know what to do anymore. I feel very very alone. I am back to the rock bottom that I once vowed I would never get back to. I have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. Beside Manuel, I don't feel like I have anyone who is there for me. I have no friends down here. And while I have a few close friends, they have there own best friends to deal with.

I hate that all my updates are negative, but that's all my life has been lately. I am very lucky that I still have Manuel and the wedding planning is going fine. I am lucky that I have my health(hopefully. I don't have insurance, so who knows?), I do have a roof over my head, and food on my table, and a family who would never let me go hungry. But it's hard. It's really hard. I don't know how much more I can take.
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Writer's Block: Another sleepless night [Mar. 14th, 2010|08:31 pm]

Do you suffer from occasional or frequent insomnia? Do you have any special tricks or remedies? How does it impact your life?

I frequently suffer from insomnia. There are nights where I literally will not fall asleep. Up until recently, most nights it would take me at least 2 hours to fall asleep and then I would wake up 4-5 times throughout the night. My average amount of sleep(if I had to get up and go to work) was 3-4 hours, 5-6 if I could sleep in. I tried many remedies including sleeping pills but nothing worked. It wasn't until I bought a white noise CD that I actually started sleeping decently. I play it all night, and it now takes me an hour or so to fall asleep and I only wake a few times. It's amazing!!
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Writer's Block: Kids or child-free? [Mar. 11th, 2010|05:34 pm]

Whether you've chosen to have children or live child-free, how and when did you (or will you) reach this decision? If you're in a relationship, did you (or will you) decide separately or together?

I have always wanted children, as does Manuel, so it was easy to agree on having children. We've decided on 3. I would like to name them Liam Anthony, Joshua Edward and Leah Carol
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(no subject) [Dec. 23rd, 2009|02:42 pm]
I really need to do these more often. Facebook and Twitter takes away from livejournal!

What's happened since the last time I updated? I don't even remember what I said last time!

Spent Thanksgiving up in Eureka with my Dad's side of the family. That was really nice. I had only been up there once before for my cousin's wedding, but I never really got to see Eureka, just the wedding. So this time we drove around and I actually got to see it. I like it! It's a small industrial town on the ocean. I wouldn't mind living there. Manny came up to, so it was nice that he could get to know my family, and them, him. I think they really like him! =)

Still waiting on my Dad's surgery. It looks like they are going to take out the whole kidney. =(
He's having a hard time coming to terms with that. I can't even imagine what he is going through. I mean, I'm stressed out about it, and I'm not even the one with cancer!!!!

Speaking of surgeries, my wrist has yet to get better. =/ It might be just like my other wrist, in that it will always hurt. This has put me in a dilemma. Can I work as an EMT with two bum wrists? Can I work through the pain? I worked so hard to get my license, and now I don't know if I can even work as an EMT! I don't have any other plans. I need money, and I can't get by on a part-time job, and I can't get a good job without a degree. Rent is so expensive down here, that you have to work full time, school full time, and possibly a second job. All I want to do is be an EMT!!!!!!!! I don't know what to do. This definitely doesn't help my anxiety. My anxiety has been getting really bad lately. I have a had a few panic attacks, and been to urgent care because of physical symptoms it is causing(chest pain,headaches etc...) I really need to get a handle on it.

Christmas Eve is tomorrow. We are going over to my Grandma's and spending the day over there, eating dinner, playing games etc... It should be nice. At around 10 or 11pm we are going over to Manny's parents because they do stuff at midnight. Unfortunately, Manny has to work on Christmas day, so it will just be me and my parents. Once Manny is off, we are going to his parents for dinner. I kinda feel bad for my parents because we are leaving them all alone for Christmas dinner. I guess they will just cook dinner in Manny's and My apartment.

That's it. You can stop reading now.
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